Hello to my fellow Libra’s & StyleLeeders! Happy Birthday to ME & to StylishLEE ♥
On an average night I don’t fall asleep until after 2 in the morning. Crazy I know! But because my mood had gone south just hours before my birthday, I somehow managed to fall asleep by 10pm. By midnight the sound of my phone startled me. It was my husband and close friends calling and messaging me to be the first person to tell me Happy Birthday! It’s a beautiful feeling when you feel that type of love but sometimes even that can’t change the feelings deep inside.
Whenever I blow out candles in celebration of another year of my existence, my birthday wish for the last few years has always been the same…Happiness! Simple right? Well, easier said that done for me. Once again, I’ve been feeling very down and to be quite honest with you I never even planned on sharing a blogpost today. Until a few hours ago…
I was sitting at my work desk at home and my mind drifted off on how so much has changed within the last 12 months of my life. I was reflecting on what has and has not brought me happiness. Truth be told, this past year hasn’t been my favorite year but for reasons I’ve held on to in the quiet of my mind. I already know most people have summed me up to be this sweet gal with an amazing marriage, a loving family, a decent job, and the list goes on…it’s all true. From the outside looking in my life is great, and it is. But I have days when I get home and crawl into a bubble and get lost with the thoughts in my head.
I took the time out to make a list of the things that made me happy over the past year and the things that well…DID NOT! I won’t share this list with you because it’s all too personal but I after scanning over my piece of paper over and over I realized that several of the things that were making me unhappy has a whole lot to do with impatience, guilt, jealousy and comparison. I have become my worst critic and it has lead to much of my most recent feelings of constant sadness.
It’s not like me to be the jealous type, so when I shared these feelings with my best friend she was just as shocked. I’ve sat back and seen my Instagram newsfeed and Facebook timeline clutter with, new job congratulations, pregnancy announcements or ‘we just bought our first HOME’ posts. Day by day as I paid more attention to these things my soul slowly filled itself with anxiety. The pressure of comparing where everyone was in their own lives to mine was weighing heavy on my heart. I don’t know if this is something that happened because I’m getting older but when I hit 25, it was at that point I really began paying attention to TIME.
Please don’t get me wrong. I know I have a beautiful life. I’m in a career where my mother is my teammate, partner and coworker and I married the man of my dreams [seriously, I told my friends in the 9th grade that I was going to marry Manny and years later I did]. But still, bounds of sadness occasionally hit me and it’s been happening more frequently over the past few weeks.
I honestly hate sharing such a soppy post with you. Especially on a day that really should bring happiness to me. But I guess I needed an outlet to get some stuff off my chest while also sharing with you that I don’t have it all figured out. Even though it appears as if I do [us bloggers are pretty good at showing you the good stuff only]. But I too struggle with life, even on an awesome day like a birthday.
On a “happier” note [because I can’t leave this birthday post dry and sad]. I finally think I figured out what I want to do today. For the past two weeks my girlfriends have asked time and time again what I wanted to do for my birthday and I kept stalling my answer because I just didn’t have one. Until now! I love road trips! So I’ve decided to spend my day driving to Negril and maybe also to St. Elizabeth. I know the things that make me happy so I want to spend more time doing those things while also taking the time to enjoy every second I’m given as opposed to comparing my moments to someone else’s. So my birthday gift to myself this year? A BREAK! Starting with this solo drive.
I’m sorry if this was not the post you were expecting. Especially if you’re familiar with my yearly birthday posts for both myself and this blog. This post may be all over the place but I myself am trying to figure it all out. So please bare with me. I’m sure this year will come with it’s bundle of ups and downs but thats a part of LIFE, right? Cheers to life ♥